


once more to see you

by teorema



Series: mitski [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 6000 Years of Slow Burn (Good Omens), 90’s, Anxiety, Coming of Age, Falling In Love, Family Issues, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is Whipped, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is a Sweetheart, Longing, Love at First Sight, M/M, Puberty, Seo Changbin is Bad at Feelings, Seo Changbin is Whipped, Soulmates, Yearning, boys Loving, but lee felix is good at feelings, but not for long, like Years of slow burn, more than once, seo changbin is emo, singer seo changbin, summer and winter dynamics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25044457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teorema/pseuds/teorema
Summary: Changbin is not afraid of the sun anymore, it doesn’t seem like a threat. It doesn’t hurt his eyes or his skin when it comes in the shape of a boy, a boy with freckles and filled with smiles. Yet, when the sun leaves to shine somewhere else, Changbin feels lovesick, felling like every single day is a winter day, cold and filled with blue tones. So he lives his life waiting for the sun.orChangbin falls in love with Felix, soon Felix has to leave Busan and go back to Seoul. He goes away, but the love stays. And every day, for years, he waits for the day he will find Felix again.
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Series: mitski [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813873
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	1. sunrise

“You have a little bit of sunscreen on your nose,” said the boy with a deep voice. Changbin envied him; he still has an awkward puberty voice, and the other doesn’t look much older. He touches Changbin’s nose softly and rubs his finger there, “Done,” he says and smiles, leaving Changbin looking terrified; his eyes grew so big out of embarrassment it seemed he had just seen a ghost. He chuckles back, though, awkwardly. 

“You seem lost,” the boy looks at him in a way he cannot understand; maybe because Changbin is so used to hostile approaches he doesn’t know what a kind face looks like.

“My parents are right there,” Changbin points at somewhere on the beach, which the boy doesn’t look at. He just laughs. Changbin looks at him filled with confusion; he doesn’t get what’s so funny. 

“I don’t mean like that,” he still laughs and Changbin kept that frowned look at him. His smile has a cute shape, though it was very big. He has pretty teeth, also. Changbin doesn’t seem to want to look at anything else than his smile. “It’s because you’re alone here, not doing anything,” 

“Oh,” Changbin hums, “I might be a little lost, then,” a little was a bit of a euphemism thinking of that way the boy was referring to. He’s very lost, not just today, or there. 

“I’m Felix , by the way,” he says, smiling. He seemed to like smiling a lot; within a very little amount of time since he sat down along with the lonely boy, he could notice how bright and nice he was. It's almost like he’s sunny. “and I’m also a little lost,” he giggles. “It seems so nice to be like that”, Changbin thought. Changbin is not that bad; just a little way to quiet. He is not used to smiling or laughing a lot like that. 

“Aren’t we all?” Changbin says, and Felix smirks, looking at him with only one eye open because of the bright sun. His eyes are bigger than Changbin’s, who are pretty narrow. It looked prettier, Felix ’s eyes; it makes him look calmer than Changbin does, he has a resting bitch face, which looks like he’s always angry or annoyed. His face was harmonious, Changbin thinks, still analyzing every inch of the boy’s face. He was avoiding thinking he was pretty, though; he doesn’t want to fall into the rabbit hole of finding boys pretty again.

“What’s your name, lost boy?” Felix asks with a reassuring gaze, which was filled with comfort. He couldn’t get the way Felix acts; he didn’t look like the teenagers he had encountered over the past years, yet he doesn’t seem older than one. 

“Changbin,” He says, Felix nods.

“Changbin goes well with you, but “lost boy” goes better. It matches just perfectly,” Changbin laughs; he liked that. It is indeed a fact about him. Changbin knows it’s kind of wrong, but he likes labels. It makes him feel a little less confused about his place; the world is pretty big and he’s 16, so that life is easier when you’re put things in a box. 

Changbin has a weird relationship with his sense of belonging; maybe because sometimes he feels like he doesn’t belong anywhere, so he makes himself calmer by finding comfort in small labels. His star sign, or his astrological chart, the fact that he likes cats more than dogs and tea over coffee. Living like that was very difficult, though, because there were times he didn’t know where he was or where he was going. It felt like torture to him, to someone so logical to live with so many hopes which sometimes feels impossible to pursue. He’s a lost boy who hasn’t discovered neverland. 

“Which boy are you then, Felix ?” Changbin asks, once again going for labels, because at that moment inside Changbin’s brain, Felix was already inside the pretty boys’ box; and that’s definitely not good for him. 

“I don’t know... but I’m not that lost either,” Felix says, and Changbin really doesn’t know how he takes it, “I’m the ambiguous boy,”

“Doesn’t that make you anxious?” It was something difficult for Changbin to process. Felix seemed just fine when he talked about being ambiguous, but Changbin doesn’t know how it works. How could someone live without answers? 

“Sometimes, I try not to think about things too much,” That also seems impossible to Changbin. His mind, always running, as it always ends somewhere negative and hopeless. For him, it’s easier to believe that something bad is going to happen anyway. 

“Wow, I think about it all the time,” Changbin almost whispers. He doesn’t like telling people his weakness, but still, Felix seems to deal better with them. Maybe he’s overreacting because Felix is someone he has met only a few minutes ago, but Changbin sees people in a weird way; he’s an analyzer. By the look on Felix ’s face, he isn’t rejecting any of Changbin’s thoughts, appearing to just think about them, and the other boy had already realized that. 

“That kills us, Bin,” Felix says. He called Changbin through a nickname; the boy feels the urge to blush, blushing so much his whole face gets red like a tomato. He holds it back though, he has to. Changbin is always embarrassed by something; he is so shy and gets embarrassed so easily, but is always trying to hide it. Vulnerability is not his thing. 

“It really does,” Changbin takes a long breath. “Lixie.” Smiles, that’s what he gets. He hesitated, but he got a smile. 

It was such a weird evening. Felix talked a lot; Changbin was not an easy talker, but when he felt comfortable things just floated. It really felt like they were floating; words and laughs so light and “bagageless” they just floated in the air. In the middle of a conversation, Felix confessed he liked to dance, and Changbin told him he liked to sing. 

“What kind of music are you into?” Felix asks, sounding very enthusiastic about the topic. It was so strange for Changbin seeing such excitement; it’s almost like it’s something out of this world.

“I’m a Nirvana guy, I like them a lot. I don’t write music like theirs, but I love it,” Changbin explains, thinking about how almost anyone knows he writes his own songs, which was something he didn't really plan to tell Felix but ended up spilling. Words were really just floating. 

“You’re a singer, a writer and you also draw sometimes,” Felix says with amazement; Changbin doesn’t get it, though. “What can’t you do, Mr. Lost Boy?”

“Not even one of those, I suppose. I’m none of them, I’m just a person with a lot of artistic hobbies. I’m not actually good with them,” Changbin says and Felix looks at him like he’s saying the worst things in the world.

“I bet you’re good at it, don’t be so humble,” Felix says, laughing sweetly. Changbin stares at him, the sun is almost setting so there’s this very yellow and bright light coming behind the smiley boy. When he bends his head, Changbin can see the way his skin seems to shine in the light and the way his brown eyes get lighter, almost looking like honey. He knew he liked what he was seeing and was trying to deal with it. 

“I like Shania Twain,” says Felix , making Changbin giggle. Felix smiles at him; he’s full of smiles, all the time. Changbin was always mesmerized when Felix smiled, perfect teeth, eyes almost closing.

“You do look like your musical taste,” Changbin says and Felix seemed intrigued, “In a nice way, don’t worry,” he comes back to his words, scared Felix would take it in an offensive way.

“I’m weirdly happy to know I look like I’m a Shania Twain boy, maybe it could be my label!” Changbin smiles at him. “You also look like you listen to Nirvana, but you’re hiding something,” Felix says and Changbin looks at him, curious. 

“What do you mean?” Changbin says, laughing. Felix laughs too, looking at him with that soft gaze again. 

“You have a guilty pleasure, I know you do,” Felix says and Changbin denies with his head, “Oh, come on I know you do,” Changbin giggles.

“Alright, Alright, I admit. I’m a huge fan of ABBA and also, Tiffany,” Felix bursts into laughter, and Changbin laughs with him, “Stop,” He says.

“I knew it! All emo kids have dirty musical secrets,” Felix says and Changbin keeps laughing. 

“I’m not an emo kid,” Changbin says and Felix stares at him with a face that screams disbelief. “Ok, maybe a little bit, but I’m not a complete emo kid,”

“Changbin,” Felix utters in a serious voice and Changbin looks at him a little bit surprised, “I have a diagnostic. You’re in constant denial,” he says followed by laughter, Changbin smiles at him. 

He was not lying at all, though; Changbin is in denial about a lot of things. The fact that he’s a little bit of an “emo kid”, the fact that he really likes ABBA and the fact that Felix is indeed pretty – the prettiest even; the sunlight hitting his face makes him even prettier and Changbin was trying his best not to think about it; it’s just too much to process. 

He has to stop himself every time he’s staring too much at Felix ; at this point, he had realized how his eyelids are uneven, that his face is filled with freckles, like a constellation, and there’s one freckle on his nose that is very dark. That was just not normal, realizing every detail of a boy he just met while he’s sitting on a beach with so many things to look at. However, Felix has this thing that outshines everything around him and Changbin couldn’t even bother about the beautiful sea right in front of him, because Felix ’s nose freckle is just way more beautiful and interesting. 

“I’m pretty sure I am,” he says, sounding kind of dreamy and flirty. He expected Felix not to get his tone, but he looked at him and realized the boy was definitely staring at his nose freckle. As an instinct, Changbin looks away and clears his throat, making things worse for himself. Felix gladly ignores it, noticing how clear is the discomfort on the boy’s face. 

In the most normal shade, Felix simply answers, “Being self-aware is a sign of improvement,” making Changbin giggle, more out of relief than anything. 

“What brings you here, by the way?” Felix asks, laying down a little, acting naturally. “Also, I’ve been calling you by your name this whole time and I don’t even know your age.” 

“My family likes the beach a lot, though I’m not a big of a fan of it,” Changbin says, and Felix looks kind of shocked. “I’m 16, by the way, but you don’t have to call me any other way.” 

“Well, I love the beach. I’m truly offended,” Felix says,”We are xingus then, I can call you nicknames,” he says and Changbin nods. 

“Bin, then.” Changbin says and laughs awkwardly, “Do you have a thing for calling people cute names, or something?” He sounded flirty again, regretting right away even though it doesn’t seem to have a way out at this point. 

“I do, but not in a weird way. I like giving nicknames to the people I like,” he replies, “and for some reason, you look like Changbin but talks like a baby,” Changbin laughs. He cannot process Felix saying in a way that he likes him, he doesn’t think about it. 

“Not in a weird way... I guess someone is also in denial,” Changbin says and Felix chuckles, the younger trying not to be completely weirded out for someone laughing at his jokes, “I probably have a baby voice, I'm already 16 but I sound like a 12-year old that is hitting his puberty” 

“I think we really don’t hear the same because you don’t sound like a 12-year-old, you sound cute” Felix looks away. “I wouldn’t keep flirting with someone who looks like a 12-year-old,” 

Changbin’s mind stops and then starts running so fast he can’t cope. He’s flirting with me, he said he’s flirting with me, he knows I’m flirting with him, he realizes that Changbin thinks he's pretty. For a moment Changbin feels like he’s about to pass out. His head goes to the most obvious place he could think.

“You’re… Flirting with me?” He says with a funny voice, sounding like a duck-like he said it from his nose. Felix looks at him and bites his lips, but he just couldn’t hold it. He starts laughing loudly and Changbin holds his face with his hands, hiding his blushed cheeks. Felix touches his arm and the warmth of his small fingers makes him feel weirdly comfortable. He hates knowing he would like to have Felix touching him. 

“I am, dumbass,” Felix says with his eyes filled with some kind of sparkle. Changbin liked watching them; and through the gaps between his fingers, his eyes focus on Felix ’s kind gaze, “Aren’t you flirting with me too?” 

“I’m not,” He whispers; Changbin's not exactly a perfect liar. He did like to omit things that could embarrass him until the last day of his life in his mind, though. Felix obviously didn't believe him; the boy was not good at lying even a little bit. Being away too an honest person might be a curse. 

“You should stop living denying things, that’s not very healthy,” Felix says, making Changbin’s eyes die a little bit. The older one was right about many things; yet, he liked to live in denial because it makes living a lot easier. “It’s okay if you want to pretend you don’t do or like things, but don’t do it with me. I won’t judge you,” Changbin’s eyes come to life again. Judgment: that’s exactly his biggest fear. Changbin wonders if he really was that transparent or if Felix just can see him outside of his corpse. It’s scary to wonder if he does; Changbin hides things for a reason and acknowledging someone knows his deepest secrets is terrifying. 

“I really don’t like judgemental people... Glad to know you’re not like them.” Is the only thing he says, receiving a smile from Felix . This one was not like the others though; Changbin felt real comprehension coming through such a normal action. It’s amazing, the way Felix smiles, even if he does it constantly, it was like every single one of them held a different meaning. Changbin was good at reading people; Felix would probably sound a lot more mysterious if he didn’t. Because, in fact, there is some mystery about how Felix acts, so perfectly confident, though not enough to say he’s actually all of those things they had previously talked about; he’s just like that, naturally. He was the brightest being Changbin had ever encountered, and that is amazing yet very dangerous. It made Changbin want to get to know him better, to unfold the folds of his brain, and see what's really inside. It felt kind of scary the way Changbin was mesmerized by the boy he just met; he questioned his own sanity, but he guessed sanity was not something he had around pretty boys with curly hair and golden skin.

“I think I spent way too long thinking about other people’s opinions about me,” Felix says while he runs his fingers through his hair, leaving some sand there, making Changbin wanting to pet his hair not only to clean the sand but because they looked soft and the young boy really wanted to know how it felt. “I still do, I believe that's hard to change. But the thing I try to do is not being the person to deliver those opinions. I can’t judge someone without knowing them,” Changbin smirks a little. 

“I get what you’re saying, some people would say I’m judgemental because I rarely like people, but I’m just picky,” He says, still looking at Felix ’s hair, “I tend to overprotect myself, which could be bad and also good,” 

“Am I included in the 'rarities'?” Felix asks; Changbin thinks to himself, the rarest. There was not a bone in his body that felt that he had to protect himself from Felix .

Changbin closes his eyes slowly and avoids Felix ’s eyes for a minute, “Yes, you are,” He says in a soft whisper, making Felix ’s smile so bright it seemed like it lit Changbin’s eyes. His smile was just like the sunrise, and his skin, the sunset. He was so, so sunny.

“I know that this will probably kill you... but can you tell me why?” Felix asks in a funny tone. Changbin realized he did that to not make him uncomfortable. Which is unfair, because the kind of was, right now, even though he felt like he was not allowed to feel that way. The thought of saying something somewhat cute sent shivers down his spine.

His cheeks burn, maybe out of embarrassment, maybe the day was too sunny, or maybe, the boy was too sunny. “You’re-“ Changbin can’t even say it, feeling like he lost the ability to speak. He had so much to say, but he has so little words… “You’re… warm,” he says while almost dying, yet knowing it was not enough. He packs all his courage, “And… Safe,” He closes his eyes and his brain tells him to never open them again. He cannot look at Felix, he’s not ready to look at his eyes. 

“You can open your eyes, I’m not going to kill you,” Felix laughs, and Changbin covers his face with his hands. It gets worse and worse; his belly is filled with something he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s just a stomach ache for eating too much ice cream, or maybe, it’s the butterflies swinging around inside of him.

“I know you’re not going to kill me, even if you’re a stranger I just started a conversation at the beach,” Changbin says, proving how safe he felt. If Changbin still had his sanity (which was taken since Felix got there), he would've run away, so scared that the pretty boy was going to rob or and kidnap him. Not that he would mind it, though, because the thought of being robbed by Felix was not actually that bad. Another point proving that his sanity has left him long ago. 

“Then, why do you look so startled?” Felix asks and Changbin takes his hands off his face. He opens his eyes and looks at the sea, avoiding to look at Felix, recomposing himself. He watches the way the waves hit the sand, the scary yet satisfying sound they do; then, he stares at the landscape, the sun shining. He hated the sun; he has such sensitive eyes and skin, but it hurts less when the sun is a curly-haired boy with a face filled with freckles and a smile. With that, he looks at the other side, founding Felix looking at him fondly. 

“I’m not startled… I’m just deeply embarrassed,” he says, in a shameful tone. Felix laughs, bending his head to the side, his curls falling over his eyes. Yes, the sun doesn’t hurt him at all when it is a boy with freckles. 

“I know this probably won't help you, but… there’s no need to be embarrassed.” Felix says while he puts his hair behind his ears, “Someone seems to have a real struggle with feelings,” he laughs, “the constant denial, you live like this?” He jokes, making Changbin smile, still embarrassed. 

“Sadly, I do,” He says. It was self-deprecating, which was probably his best attempt at humor. Felix laughs at it though, feeling some kind of relief. 

“This won’t help you either but… I tend to like everyone, I guess, but there are a few rare people that I like a lot,” He says; Changbin feels like the butterflies are going to rip his skin and get out, flying so crazily inside his tummy. 

“Am I one of the rarities?” Changbin throws Felix’s card on the table; he probably would’ve said that if Felix hadn't said it before. 

“You are,” Felix says and Changbin feels like he’s about to pass out; his heart raced like speed cars. He doesn’t really know anything about hearts, but that sure looked like an attack. “I know you won’t ask why, so, I will tell you anyway,” Changbin gulps, “I think you’re cute, and approachable, funny, and sweet. I don’t know you very well, so that makes you even rarer,” Changbin felt like he was about to cry, like, full-on sob so loudly everyone on the beach would hear. That's the only reaction he knew. It feels so weird to be complimented, and maybe if Felix wasn’t so pretty it would be easier, but his deep and pretty eyes staring at him don’t help at all.

His reaction is more surprising than crying; Changbin throws his body forward and hugs Felix very tightly. Felix doesn’t seem to resist his hug, embracing him back. It was so weird, public affection, or affection in general. Changbin was not very used to that, but Felix looked so huggable and the only way he knows how to react to compliments was affection since he sucks at words. Felix smelled so good; his hair had a camomile and honey scent. He had spent the whole day at the beach and still, he smells like he’s fresh after a shower. Changbin had his face dangerously close to Felix ’s neck, and his skin was very, very soft. He felt so safe with Felix’s arms around him; he smiled a bit, with his face pressed on Felix ’s shirt. 

“That was something I was not expecting, but I appreciate every second of it,” Felix says in a surprised tone. Changbin finds it amazing. He’s also surprised, but even more, because he made Felix surprised, the boy he sees as such a confident person. Changbin was someone who saw himself as a mediocre sort of guy: he’s not very spontaneous, he overthinks too much and doesn’t do anything, and that proves how he’s out of his mind with Felix. He goes against his logical thoughts, he hugs a boy he doesn’t know much about and gets pleasure by smelling his hair for a small distance. 

Changbin gets out of the hug. Felix smiles at him but now is different. His eyes shine like they’re filled with stars and nebulas like he held a whole universe inside those beautiful brown eyes. 

They talk until the sun is almost setting; Changbin knows more about him, now. The boy likes yellow, black, and sunflowers – which Changbin was already expecting since they match him well. He told Changbin about how much he likes ice cream, and the way he likes his family. They talked about Busan, and Felix told him that he’s staying there for only two months and how that was his first week there. He’s from Australia, but lives in Seoul for a couple of years. He doesn’t have any friends yet, so he asks Changbin if he wants to be his friend. Changbin doesn’t need to think about it twice, telling him he’d be glad about being his friend.

Felix was endearing in every way possible; the way he acts, talks and feels, the things he likes, and the way he looks. He’s funny and such a good listener; he listens Changbin talking about liking snakes, about his passion for music, his art, and even his emo bands. Changbin liked the way Felix listened to him. The younger normally only hear and never talks, people rarely gave him space to do so. Felix, on the other hand, did listen to him; he seems genuinely excited about things, interested. 

When the sun is almost giving the moon his place, Felix asks, “Would your parents mind if you went for a walk with me? I want to watch the sunset in a more private place,” Changbin nods, biting his lips and staring at Felix. It was both sad and good how they wouldn’t mind at all. Good, because he doesn’t have to ask, but sad, because they just wouldn’t care. 

“They wouldn’t mind,” Changbin says and Felix smiles brightly, getting up instantly while Changbin looks at him. 

“Shall we go?” He asks, and Changbin nods, getting up and patting his clothes to get the sand off his shorts. Felix smiles at him and starts walking, Changbin following him quietly. 

“My parents are kind of protective, but they let me explore the town when I behave well,” Felix says, Changbin opens his mouth and nods. His parents were kind of different; they only care if he leaves to do something they need, but most of the time, he walks around Busan for hours, until it’s almost bedtime, and then goes home.

“They seem pretty nice,” That hurts to say. Changbin always tries to stay away from people’s families because he’s deeply affected by the good ones. He tries not to feel jealous or envious; these were feelings he didn't like. But sometimes — almost every time — he feels that way. The boy pretended he didn't mind the way he’s treated at home. In his own head, he had to look tough, which is not true. 

“They really are. But like any other family, we have problems,” That’s something Changbin could understand, he knows how families can be problematic. “What about your parents?” The older one asks.

“That’s hard to answer. My dad is not around and my mom's gotten married again,” Changbin says while Felix stares at him as he always does when Changbin talks about himself, in an interesting way. He likes that he doesn’t see pity in his eyes, “I live with my grandparents, but sometimes I stay at my mom’s house, which is what I’m doing at the moment.” Every time he opens up about his family he needs to think deeply about how he’s going to explain things; it’s a broken family, and sometimes, it is hard for people to swallow it. He doesn’t know how to explain who he considers his parents or if he even has something like that. 

“It seems a bit complicated, right?” Felix asks, his tone isn’t judgmental or pitiful, so he doesn’t feel uncomfortable with answering his question. Felix had this natural way of saying and asking things that might seem bland and soulless, but when in fact were filled with respect and consideration. 

“It definitely is,” He responds, laughing a little bit uncomfortably – not because he was, but because it was the only thing he could do about it: laugh it off. 

“I realized that’s something you don’t feel so good when talking about,” Felix says. Normally, Changbin would deny it, but he didn't need to do that with Felix , so he nods, “Let’s make a rule, for now, then. No family talking, at least for today.” 

“I like this rule. I don’t usually like rules, but I'll follow this one.” He smiles, making Felix smile too.

“I don’t know if not following rules is something you normally do or just established since you’re an emo,” Felix jokes, and Changbin laughs.

“Both, I guess. Being emo just made me worse,” Felix laughs. His laugh was just amazing; one of those child-like laughs that instantly make you happy. 

They arrived at a little pier that went inside of the water and in the end, met the sea. The place was truly beautiful. The sun setting, the sky filled with warm colors, pinks, yellows, and oranges. They walk until the end of it and Felix sits on the border of the wood, leaving his feet inside the water. Changbin follows him; because he’s smaller, his feet don’t touch the water. He moves his feet, his fingers touching it, it’s warm and cold at the same time. 

“I like this city a lot,” Felix says in a gloomy tone. “It sucks that I’m staying here for only two months.” Changbin felt sad too. He wanted to really know Felix, to know every single thing he liked; but he knew that it might not happen because they didn't have much time. 

“But Seoul is nice too. And big,” Changbin tries to comfort Felix who just smiled sadly, looking at the sunset. His face looked even prettier with all the colors reflecting at his skin, looking amazing with the summer lights like he was made for it. A summer fairy.

“It is, but I like the beach,” Felix says, looking at the water and smiling, “I wish I could be here forever, sitting in the sand every day. It reminds me of Australia, I miss it” Changbin suddenly felt bad about disliking the city. He always dreamed about leaving and going to Seoul, where things are cooler and he is able to meet all kinds of people. He wonders why Felix rathers stay here than at his own town. Maybe it was because no one really likes their cities, he thought. Knowing every corner of a city might sound bad, meaning there’s nothing new to explore. 

“I don’t know if that’s going to make you feel better, but at least you will always remember your days here, at the beach, staring at the sun,” Changbin says and Felix stops looking at the water to look at him, “Forever is a long time. You probably would feel bored to be here all the time at some point. Still, if you leave, you can always come back; maybe not in person, but in your memories,”

“It does make me feel better,” Felix says, lingering to the side and getting closer to Changbin. Their shoulders touching a little, making the younger feel the electricity running through his body and shivers going through his spine, “Changbin,” He says as the claimed looks at him, finding Felix ’s face very close to his. He could almost feel Felix ’s breath on his cheeks, his heart almost stopping. He got the chills, and the butterflies tried to escape again. Changbin had never felt this way before. 

“Hi,” He whispers, not being able to think about anything but the small distance between their noses, not being able to think about anything that wasn't Felix ’s eyes locked with his. There was nothing in his mind but Felix, and the way he was so close to him at that moment. 

“Can… Can I try something?” The golden boy whispers too, Changbin listening clearly as they were so close: the only thing his brain could think about. There was a voice inside his head screaming about the tiny distance between them frenetically.

“Yes,” He whispers back, feeling Felix 's breath. Changbin realizes his breathing got more loud and quick, losing all of his air. Felix gets closer and closer and Changbin’s heart starts racing so quickly that again, this time, he really thinks he will probably have a heart attack. So suddenly, he lost his ability to breathe, thinking he knows what’s going to happen but doesn’t seem to want to admit it because it’s just too much. When Felix gets close enough to get their noses touched, Changbin closes his eyes, feeling his hands as numb as his head. 

It's happening. Something is definitely happening. 

He closes his eyes and his hands, waiting for it, and it felt like years passed by; those seconds when he doesn’t know what Felix was up to. After those century-like instants, he finally feels the soft and warm touch.

Felix pressed his lips against Changbin’s, so soft and warm; it was like kissing a blanket. Changbin was sure that was something he never felt before, like a string of heat running through his body, making his blood boil like crazy. It might seem weird, but still, it was the best feeling he's ever felt. His heart started to hurt, but it was such a good hurt! Now, if that’s a heart attack, he enjoyed it. They stayed with their lips connected for a minute, Felix puts his hand on Changbin’s cheek and pets it. He wanted to stay like that forever, but he couldn't help but feel a little anxious about being seen kissing a boy.

It was his first kiss with a boy, and he hated, hated so much that he liked it much more than he did with girls; it felt so much warmer and sweet. His heart, though, started to get filled with a not so good feeling — a feeling of guilt, anxiety, and fear. He stops the kiss, Felix still with his eyes closed. Changbin feels like he’s about to cry, and he does. He closes his eyes, tears falling down his burning cheeks, as warm as his face. He never cries when he’s around people; he hated doing so. He only cried when he was inside his room, underneath his covers, hiding his fear, sadness, and pain in a place no one could see. His whole body hurts like someone just beat him up. He puts his hands over his face, hating every aspect of that: crying in public with someone seeing him, the blame of leaving a feeling so good for a feeling so bad, the blame of even feeling good. It hurts, so much he wants to rip his skin with his bare hands and take his own heart out. 

At some point, Felix realized it as he opened his eyes, meeting a boy covering his face, trembling and gulping. He knows he didn't want to be seen. The boy looked like he wanted to be invisible, to fade away with the wind, to fly away and disappear but he couldn't do that. He just, couldn't. 

“Bin?” Felix calls. Changbin cries harder, biting his lips so he can be quiet. Felix ’s voice looks like pure despair, his tone so sad that Changbin cries harder and harder, wishing to cry enough tears to drown him, “I’m sorry, have I done something wrong?” He asks and Changbin realizes how scared he is, and he gets why he would be terrified if he just kissed someone and the person started crying. He felt so dumb and stupid, which he was used to, yet it was so much worse because someone was seeing him. 

“No,” Changbin says, not being able to say things right, his voice being so cracking and messy; he just was so messy. Felix seemed so put together while he was just a messy boy, filled with doubts, fears, and negligence. That’s a match he didn't understand why could happen, a match that shouldn’t exist. He feels sorry about himself and about Felix . 

“Can I at least hug you?” Felix asks. Normally Changbin would say no; he gets so full of rage when he’s breaking down that no one can touch him. He isolates himself, building a wall so high around him so that no one can reach. Maybe that’s just his way to stay in the high ground even in a sensitive moment. He carries that with him, "to never look vulnerable", but he always wants a hug. The people around him are not allowed to touch him for a reason, that’s their sentence, but Felix doesn’t have to be sentenced for something he didn’t do. So, Changbin nods. 

Felix wraps his arms around Changbin’s trembling body, as the younger doesn’t take his hands off his face. Felix holds him tightly like he’s trying to protect him from the world, resting his chin over his head, while the other just cries and cries. The boy felt like his body was going to dry out. If he was crying directly to the sea, Busan would face his first tsunami. Whilst Changbin was facing a tsunami inside himself, a tsunami of feelings and guilt, his whole body getting flooded with his confusion, his pain, breaking down every building, and leaving everyone homeless. 

“I’m sorry, Changbin,” Felix says, sounding like he was about to cry too. Changbin never felt so bad in his life, “If I knew this would happen I would never kiss you,” He sounded guilty too; Changbin couldn't accept that. He cannot make Felix feel bad for doing something that’s not his fault. It was not his fault that Changbin felt that way, it was not his fault that it was so hard for him to accept happiness and himself. Changbin holds his tears back; he needed to say something. His brain definitely wasn't working the way he wanted it to, but he had to try.

“It’s not your fault,” He says, gulping in the middle, yet trying his best to speak properly. He sobs a little while he tries to get his shit together, “I’m just… I’m just, confused,” Changbin says, and Felix sighs.

“I’m still sorry, I did it without asking you first,” Felix says. Why can’t he simply drop the guilt? Changbin wanted him to feel like it was not his fault because it wasn't, but Felix sounds so shameful, so apologetic. It’s not his fault.

“Don’t say sorry-,” He sobs again, “You don’t have to apologize, you don’t-,” It just gets worse and worse, Changbin hated himself for not acting normal. He wished he could be like everybody else, that he wasn’t so filled with anxiety, that he wasn’t that weird when it comes to living, liking, accepting. He wanted to be born again, to be born again in another family, another country, with another mind, he wanted the chance to grow happy and well, he wanted the chance to do it all over again so he can live with fear, emptiness, so he can live without feeling so lost. 

“It’s okay,” Felix says, petting Changbin’s back and kissing the top of his head, “Please, calm down, it’s okay, you’re okay,” He says, still sounding a bit desperate, yet, truthful. He was trying to help. Changbin always thought that he was strong enough, that he didn’t want help, that he didn’t want the pity, but deep down, he knew that everything he wanted was to be helped. Changbin finally takes his hands off his face to cry onto Felix ’s shirt, letting his tears make it wet and accepting his support, the support he never had. He had to admit it: it felt so good finally listening through someone's lips that you were going to be okay.


	2. summer love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m too depressed to review it, don’t mind any mistakes

They promised to never talk about that day at the beach - which is very good for Changbin only -, Felix knows that he’s terrible at feelings now which is not the best because Felix, who used to be so confident about the things he says became hesitant to say some things. Again Changbin’s talent for reading people stabbed him in the back, maybe if he was a little more oblivious and naive when it comes to realizing behaviors he wouldn’t pick up the times Felix is going to say something and gives up instantly. Sometimes he wants to scream and tell Felix to say what is on his mind, but he’s way too shy to do so, he has this rule - which is funny because he’s hesitant to rules but has a lot of them when it comes to himself -, never stand up to yourself if you can’t handle the inconvenience of saying what’s in your mind. That rules also stabs him in the back, because he knows Felix must have a very similar rule. Maybe if they’re both more brave things would be easier, yet he knows Felix is brave but scared, while he’s a coward and scared. 

They see each other constantly probably not as constantly as he wants, he’s terrified of the time, every day that he doesn’t see Felix he knows he’s about to lose him, it’s like every day they spent apart is the day before Felix comes back to Seoul. He feels trapped knowing that he has so much to say in such a small period of time and doesn’t have enough courage to say it. He can’t sleep at night, thinking about things he should have said and do, thinking about Felix leaving, thinking about the things he will write on the letters he’s going to send him when he’s away, and the worst of all, the fact that he might never see him again when he leaves. At the same time freaking out about spending his little time thinking about the end and not enjoying the present, he wants to punch himself constantly - more than the normal average which is at least 5 times a day -, he’s tired too because he’s facing this conflict about his logic, his feelings, and his anxiety. 

They’re going to hang out today, Felix’s father is a little hesitant about Felix leaving the house, even though he’s with someone. The thing is, Changbin is afraid to meet Felix’s parents, it’s dumb because they’re only friends and that should be normal, but he has parents issues, he doesn’t like meeting parents that seem to care about their children, and he doesn’t know how to look at their face knowing he kissed their son, he’s going panic and think, they know that I made Felix gay. Not that he thinks he has that power, it’s just incredibly awkward that he knows something they don’t. Changbin gets ready to hang out quickly, he’s away to lazy and weirdly sad to use more than 2 minutes to get ready, he dresses like he does every single day, random band t-shirt that probably used to belong to his mother or his uncle, black jeans and converses. 

Their meeting spot is always the beach, they don’t actually hang out there every day but it’s a safe and known place to meet each other, Changbin always arrives 30 minutes before the time they established, Felix gets there on time always, and he asks if Changbin is waiting there for way too long, he always lies saying that he just got there, he can’t tell him how desperate he is to see him, he can’t say that he counted every second until it was finally time. When Felix arrived that afternoon he had his hair in a ponytail, his hair was getting long, and even more curly, he likes the way Felix leaves one curl on his forehead and the way he seems more tanned than a day before, maybe it’s the yellow shirt he’s wearing, which compliments his pretty skin tone. Changbin never tans, maybe because he hides from the sun but even now that he’s always hanging out he stays pale as a ghost. 

“Shall we eat some ice cream today?” Changbin asks and Felix’s eyes shine, he smiles brightly and nods excitedly, Changbin smiles at him fondly, he knows he’s giving off a lot of feeling on the way he looks at Felix, and he doesn’t know how to stop. His best friend once said he has a funny face when he looks at the things he likes, and he started noticing, and that’s the only expression he has around Felix. It’s weird for him, he knows he likes Felix like he never liked any human being before, but he’s content thinking that his feelings are platonic, it must be right? They’re friends. 

“We definitely should,” Felix says, Changbin never liked so much the amount of ice cream places Busan has, which sounded so stupid before Felix came up, obviously it’s a city with beaches but almost 500 ice creams places sound like an exaggeration. Not now though, Changbin wishes they had time to go to every one of those 500 ice cream places, so Felix would smile like that every day, so he could introduce Felix to every flavor possible.

They walk close to each other, Changbin wanted the street to be completely empty so he could hold Felix’s hand, in a platonic way, friends hold hands, right? At least he thinks they might, still, he knows they can, people would look, whisper things, they would judge them. They find an ice cream place that is very big and Felix gets instantly excited, Changbin smiles at him. Changbin is surprised about how much he smiles around Felix, for some reason he has this talent of making Changbin look like a kid smiling at every single thing someone does. 

They walk in and they go straight to the ice cream, Felix is on a mission to find his favorite ice cream, he says that he can’t say which one is his favorite without trying them all, for him, it wouldn’t be fair to the ones he hasn’t eat. When he told Changbin that he sounded actually upset like ice creams actually have feelings, which is completely adorable. Felix calls the boy that serves the ice cream, they talked about Changbin avoiding human communication the first time they went out, and Felix has agreed to always order things for him. 

“A blue heaven for me and Milk and Cookies to him,” Changbin is much more simple when it comes to flavors, he hasn’t tasted a lot of them, but there’s some he doesn’t want too, and he rathers just eat milk and cookies forever, like the simple boy he is. The guy makes the ice cream and the one Felix has chosen to seem pretty good and as always milk and cookies look tasty. 

They grab their ice creams and find a table close to the glass wall, they sit and Felix smiles at his ice cream, “I’m activating my tasting mode,” Changbin laughs.

“We forgot the water to clean your mount so you can taste it better,” Changbin says pretending to be disappointed at himself, Felix presses his lips against each other and lets a dramatic sigh.

“And the spiting bucket too, but mistakes happen, I guess I going to eat it like that,” Felix is great at pretending, he has such a dramatic tone when needed, Changbin giggles and then points at the ice cream, encouraging Felix to take a bite. Felix makes a serious face and Changbin holds his laugh, dramatically he gets his spoon and gets a heavy amount of ice cream. He opens his mount largely and eats the ice cream, he does a face like he’s analyzing and then raises his eyebrow.

“What’s your rating, ice cream boy?” Changbin asks smiling and Felix smiles back swallowing the ice cream.

“Taste probably a 5 out of 5, very good, consistency sticky yet good, I like the color… Yeah, very good,” He says happily, Changbin claps quietly. He giggles again because Felix is a pretty dumbass and so is he, he never thought he would be so entertained by someone tasting new flavors of ice cream. But it’s Felix, and he’s funny and very excited about ice cream, “And what about milk and cookies?”

“Great as always, a legend I would say,” Changbin says and then eats a spoonful of cookies and cream ice cream, he loves it so much. He remembers when he was a child when his mom used to work right in front of an ice cream place, and every time he would pick his mom up after school she used to buy him ice cream, milk, and cookies, as always. He used to try other flavors too, because in another ice cream place - because you know, almost 500 places -, they used to serve this big ass ice creams, with a bunch of flavors and add-ins his father saw him 2 weekends in a month so every weekend they went out, he allowed Changbin to ask one of the 5 specials. When he had eaten all of them, he chose milk and cookies over it. And he doesn’t know if there are new specials, because when the choice came he stuck with milk and cookies. He doesn’t dare coming back to the specials. 

“You know, your favorite ice cream can say a lot about your personality,” Felix says, he sounds very legit, Changbin gets curious. He’s a sucker for things to use as a personality because he’s very confused about himself and the way he thinks.

“Tell me about it, ice cream boy,” That sounded more flirty than he pretended, he’s lucky Felix stopped calling him out for that since the promised. At the same time, he really wants to flirt, he likes how Felix talks, he likes to be flushed - just around him though -, he misses flirting with him, who said flirting can’t be platonic.

“Not related to ice cream yet, but the fact that you always get the same flavor, very into comfort zones, uh?” Felix asks and Changbin laughs nodding, “I know you enough to say there’s a reason you like it so much, but also you’re not very adventurous because milk and cookies is a common one, but you hate mediocrity like vanilla... You like a common yet pretty unique flavor,” Felix says and Changbin opens his mouth shocked because that is right, maybe he’s not the only one who is good at reading people, “Milk and cookies is you, tries to look normal but is unique,” 

“Now you’re scaring me, you should write those magazines with a personality quiz,” Felix laughs and does a confident face, “There’s really a reason why I like it,” Changbin says and looks at his ice cream, he feels nostalgic, the taste is nostalgic. So nostalgic that it hurts sometimes because he remembers of times he was happy, the days he spent alone with his mom when everything was easier. It would be a good nostalgic feeling if things weren’t so sad now. 

“Tell me about it, milk and cookies boy,” Felix uses his phrase against him, a thing they normally do with each other, and every single time it’s flirty. Changbin smirks.

“It reminds me of my mom and my childhood,” He says, resuming the huge story around it. He’s not very normal either when it comes to the things he likes, Felix is right, everything he likes has a deep meaning behind it, all of his favorite things are connected with something he remembers and most of the things he dislikes too. He’s addicted to finding reasons for everything even the most simple things. 

“You finally told me something about your mom,” Felix says, and he seems surprised and serious. Changbin rarely says anything about his family, especially his mom, maybe the thing that affects him the most in the world is his mom, he has a lot of things going on, but his mom is the only one he can’t cope with.

“I told you about my other mom,” He bites his lip, there’s something hard to say, he has written about it, but never said it out loud. He separates in his head his mom from the other mom.

“You have two moms?” Felix asks with pure shock and Changbin laughs, he’s so cute, so so cute, and that’s the magic around being with Felix, he makes him laugh even in the moments when he doesn’t feel so good, he makes Changbin happy and comfortable.

“No, dumb,” Changbin jokes and Felix pouts pretending to be sad, “It’s just that she changed so much, that I see her like a totally different person… You can say that I have two moms, the one I have now and the one I used to have,” Felix loses his funny face and gulps, Changbin ignores his gaze and eats another spoonful of ice cream. 

x

One day they’re walking together in the streets of Busan, and Felix suddenly asks, “Do you have a bike?” Changbin is surprised by the sudden question, seems random but Changbin wants to know why.

“Yes, why?” He asks, and Felix smiles. He’s up to something.

“From 1 to 10, how do you rank your ability to give me a ride in your bike?” Felix asks and then smiles awkwardly with shiny eyes like he’s asking his mom to buy him a lollipop. Changbin laughs.

“8, but you have to really trust me, or else that won’t work,” Changbin says and Felix looks so impressed that he can do that. It’s funny how he thought it was something so hard and dangerous.

“I trust you with every piece of my being,” He says it so sweetly in such a low tone that Changbin knows he’s meaning that out of context too, he ignores that, smiling and pretending that his heart is not racing at all because of Felix. 

Changbin takes Felix with him until they get to his house, “Stay here, my grandparents are not very friendly,” Felix seems very confused, but doesn’t say anything, Changbin tries to get his bike without being noticed, and because he has mastered the not being noticed skills he manages to do that. His bike has a little basket in the front, and he decides to do something. He knows his grandma likes plants, and he knows that she has a flower that Changbin really needs. He’s concerned about Felix having to wait but he’s going to like it. Changbin leaves his bike in the front of the little garden his grandma has, she’s probably going to be very pissed at him for doing that, but he takes out one of the sunflowers he has and puts it on his basket. He leaves the house with his bike and the sunflower. When he sees Felix he smiles and Felix smiles back.

He gets close and with one hand he holds his bike, “I brought you something,” Felix seems very excited, Changbin reaches to the basket and takes the sunflower out, giving it to Felix who sighs happily, he grabs the sunflower and puts it on his cheek like he’s hugging it, Changbin smiles fondly staring at Felix’s cute face.

“You didn’t,” He says, so flattered and flushed it’s mesmerizing.

“I did,” Changbin giggles, Felix comes forward and Changbin panics inside, Felix hugs him very tightly, his face on Changbin’s neck, he gets the chills because he feels Felix’s nose against his neck, which is pretty sensible. He holds Felix too, wrapping his arms around his surprisingly thin waist. He smells his hair again, camomile and honey, it gives Changbin a nostalgic feeling, remembering the day they first met. Changbin knows deep down that he will remember that day to the end of his days, he doesn’t know why yet, but he knows. 

They stop hugging and Changbin sits on his bike, pointing to the crossbar, “Sit sideways because if you don’t, I’m pretty sure you’re going to regret,” Felix laughs, every boy knows what that regret means. Felix sits sideways and holds the bike with only one hand, the other holding the flower, “You can put it in the basket,” Changbin says.

“No, I want to hold it,” He says in a childish tone, which is completely adorable, he’s worried about letting Felix fall, so he makes himself ready to hold on to him and throw himself to the ground so he can save Felix. He’s way too pretty to get hurt.

“Ready?” Changbin asks and Felix nodded excited, he’s so brave Changbin would be shaking in his boots. When he was a kid, he fractured his feet because he panicked while riding a bike with his cousin and threw his body off the bike, which not the best idea by the way. He puts both of his feet in the wheels and Felix sighs, he holds onto the bike with both of his hands, but still holding the sunflower. 

As they ride the bike together, the good wind hits his face, he looks down and Felix has his eyes closed while smiling, he likes that gaze, of pure joy. Changbin has to use more of his strength to keep both of them on the bike, but it’s okay because Felix seems so happy. He likes riding his bike around town, he loves the way the wind hits his cheeks, how free he feels, he forgets for a moment that he’s trapped inside that life he hates. As heavy as the bike is, he feels light, like his back is finally free of the baggage he carries, it feels like heaven. Felix’s presence, the wind, the landscape, he feels something new. He’s happy, it’s hard to admit to himself that he feels happy, because that seems like such an odd thing to him, but he is, he feels happy. Happiness is such a hard concept when he’s sad, and now that he feels it, it’s so simple. It’s like seeing a math problem and thinking it must be the hardest thing ever, but after learning how to do it, it’s okay.

“Lixie,” He says, he hopes his nickname is well accepted by Felix. It is because he says nothing he just looks back at him, still smiling, “You make me happy,” He says, looking forward. He tries his best to not look at Felix. 

“Bin,” Felix says, and Changbin looks down at him again, finding his gaze. His eyes shine like the way they did when they were on the beach, he missed that, the way he shines, “You make me happy too,” Changbin smiles and doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t have to say something. His head is singing, you make him happy, again and again. 

Changbin finally gets Felix to his hidden spot, there’s this skateboard court that got abandoned, they discovered that the government was using it to steal money so they never finished it. He goes there to get some air and space out, he sits there for hours and hours to think and see the stars when it’s night time. It's a place he has never shared with someone, but he wants to show it to Felix. He feels like he can’t do anything there, so he feels like that’s the place he can talk to him, without any fear of being seen. 

“Where are we?” Felix looks around curious, he feels like he’s guiding Felix and showing him the town. What he is actually doing but without being asked, he pictures it like a romance scene - not that their relationship is romantic to him -, when the hot guy tells the girl that he’s going to show her the best places in town. But when he actually looks at it, he’s just driving him around because he doesn’t know anything about Busan, maybe if he used an impact phrase before actually taking Felix there, the whole scenery would sound more interesting. Changbin is overreacting and overthinking the situation as always, maybe because he’s nervous Felix will hate the place, or maybe because showing him somewhere that he considers his safe spot is completely terrifying. Maybe if he had that impact phrase, the place will sound less important to him as a person. He hates opening up, there’s something completely odd about Changbin, he thinks to let people in and letting them get to know him is an inconvenience to both of them. To him because he’s terrible at everything that involves feelings and human interaction, and to them, because he’s completely boring because of those same reasons, he sounds like that person that really doesn’t have a connection to anything at all, which at the first look, paints this picture of him being not interesting. 

He wants Felix to think that he’s more than what he looks, which is just a very closed and awkward teenager who dresses like a grunge bland mess, and he knows that opening up to him is the only thing he can do to change that. Felix is the biggest challenge he has ever had, he’s already someone that really needs to please people, but it’s not his big concern at the moment, but when Felix is around him, it is. He thinks it’s so odd that someone who really tries to stay out of the big picture and ignore people around him, craves so much someone’s opinion. He desperately wants to be noticed by him, he wants Felix to like him, find him interesting, he goes out of his way to give Felix something that will impress him. Changbin realizes that there are some people around him like his family that he has the same feeling, but it’s different because with his family the need for being noticed is much deeper, it comes from the constant negligence and lack of attention. However, with Felix, he doesn’t feel that negligence, he just really wants him to stick around. He’s already deeply terrified of people leaving him, for obvious reasons, but with Felix, it’s a little bit worse. Changbin knows he likes Felix, he’s trying to figure out how but he knows. 

“I really need to come up with a cool name for it,” Changbin says, he never thought of that before because he was the only person that goes there, “It might seem uninteresting, but it’s an abandoned skate court,” He says and Felix looks even more curious now, he might be thinking about how weird he is for taking him to such a random place instead of a touristic place.

“Is it spooky?” Felix asks excited, he sounds just like a kid which is once again so adorable, it’s funny how he can be extremely attractive and kind of mysterious, and a big softie all the time. Changbin laughs, and he looks at him with a funny face.

“No, I wouldn’t be here if it was spooky,” Felix looks disappointed but in a bad way, it’s like when you tell a kid they can’t buy candy. He goes from disappointed to a making fun gaze, Changbin knows what’s coming.

“Oh, so the tough guy that likes heavy metal is scared of ghosts,” Felix jokes, he has this satisfied face like he just caught Changbin telling the lie of the century. Changbin rolls his eyes and crosses his arms.

“Didn’t know that to like heavy metal I have to like ghosts,” He says in a petty tone and Felix bursts into laughter. He likes his laugh a lot because it’s so spontaneous, he really doesn’t care about how it sounds. 

“Yes? You look at that scary-ass dude from Iron Maiden almost every day but can’t handle some spookiness?” Felix says. They sound so much like they’re actually arguing but they both know they just like picking on each other. Changbin wants to be more like Felix in that, he knows how to make fun of him. And well, Changbin… He’s kind of way too whipped. 

“Eddie is pretty cool though,” Changbin says, bragging, “But that doesn’t mean I want to see him in person,” Felix looks at him almost closes his eyes to look suspicious, puts his hand on his chin and then bends his head to the side.

“That’s an okay point,” He puts emphases in okay, “I’ll let you,” He does quotation marks with his hands, “Win this argument, but only because I really want to get inside already,” Changbin looks at him like he’s pretending to believe his point. 

Changbin then goes to the little fence in front of him, he opens a little gap in the fence and calls Felix. He doesn’t even question the morality of breaking in he just enters it unbothered. He can see that he is a bit worried but goes in anyway, he likes that attitude because that’s Changbin’s approach to most of the things, worried but way too proud to just chicken out. Felix looks around curiously while following Changbin. There’s this place where Changbin likes to go, it's one of those holes in the ground that he doesn’t care to know the name, it has a little wooden stair that gets him in and out without actually having to use a skateboard, which is amazing because he can’t ride a skate to save his life. He wishes to be good at it though because he thinks it’s the coolest thing ever. 

He made Felix get down the stairs before him, he looked up at him and gave him a smile, his curls falling down on his forehead. He got down the stairs and jumped out the stairs in the middle of it. He wants to impress Felix, and he knows he looks so silly trying to act cool because he knows he’s not cool at all, but Felix looks kind of impressed. 

“From the things I collected from you, there’s probably an important reason why you like this place,” Felix asks and Changbin smiles, it’s so cute how Felix always sounds like he knows him for years, and how enthusiastic he is to knowing Changbin’s reasons. He’s right about that, by the way, Changbin has this weird thing that he has deep and long explanations for everything he likes, his favorite colors, songs, words, foods, places, every single thing that he likes he puts a lot of thought into it. 

“You’re really good at this,” Changbin says and Felix laughs, sitting down in the floor unbothered he crosses his legs without trying that hard, he’s a dancer after all, “I don’t feel very comfortable at home, and when I need time and space I like to come here, where I’m alone and no one can see me,” Changbin says and Felix gets a little sad for a minute. 

“I hate when you talk about your home,” Felix says and Changbin looks down, he sits down too right in front of Felix, “You rarely talk about it but every time you talk about it, it’s just very sad,” Felix says and Changbin giggles, he giggles because he doesn’t know how to react, he can’t burst into crying. 

“I know, that’s why people don’t know a lot about me,” Changbin says and Felix bends his head to the side, paying close attention to Changbin, “People will get uncomfortable because that’s not something they want to hear about,” Changbin feels his heart hurting like there’s a hand squishing it. He doesn’t talk to people as much, because they all have something to talk about, their family trips, the parties they go with their friends, first jobs and alcohol. And he doesn’t have anything to add when they talk about trips he has to say “Oh, my family doesn’t like to go to trips or talk to each other” when they talk about friends he doesn’t know what to say because he has no friends, he never goes to parties for the same reason, he doesn’t have a job yet because he cannot find a reason to work and he hates alcohol because he has a weak stomach. He’s just lame, the only thing he can talk about is how sad he is and how much he hates everything. 

“Then the people you talk to are honestly very dumb,” Felix says and he sounds so pissed for a moment, Changbin gets surprised about his reaction because he wasn’t expecting, “How bad are you to think it’s a burden to hear about people’s problems,” Changbin is impressed. All the people he meets seem to think differently and so does his family, they always tell him to not tell people about his struggles, or about them in general. And if he tries to, people get uncomfortable and weird.

“You don’t think it’s uncomfortable?” Changbin asks, his voice is very low and it sounds unsure. It’s weird how Felix supports him because that sure doesn’t happen with the other people around him, his best friend is fine, but he’s so distant that he can’t taste the support. 

“Of course not, It’s very important to know what people go through,” Felix says, he’s, in fact, mesmerizing, “I don’t ask you about it to not make you uncomfortable not me, who am I to treat someone that is struggling like they make me uncomfortable for suffering,” 

Changbin feels like he’s going to cry again, which is something he never does around people, but Felix makes him want to cry a lot. The difference is that Felix makes him want to cry out of relief, he wants to cry because he feels safe and understood, he wants to cry because he knows he finally can cry around someone. The feeling of being so vulnerable around someone is scary because he feels his fingers hurting for opening gaps on his wall, the wall he built around himself and his heart. It’s scary to let his guard down, to let someone in, it feels like such a challenge yet it happens so easily, so smoothly without pleasure. 

Felix is new, he’s been around for such little time but still, there’s something about the way he talks, the way he looks at him and smiles at him, which makes him feel like he was born in Felix’s doorway, that Felix has been around forever. He doesn’t want to admit that it seems like the first day of his life was when Felix sat right beside him at the beach. Felix is scary to him, because he never felt that way before, and he’s not very open to new things.

“Thank you, Felix,” He says and Felix looks very surprised, “That means so much to me,” He says, he tries to put all his sincerity all his feelings on his tone and he thinks Felix gets it because he smiles so brightly. Changbin likes him, he likes him. He knows that he likes him, he cannot accept for long but he knows he does, he tries to think about his best friend, he likes him too, but it’s not the same. He wants to stay with his best friend forever but not like that. He wants to stay with his best friend forever but he doesn’t feel like he’s going to die if he doesn’t. He wants to cry again because he’s aware, way too aware that he likes Felix more than as a friend.

He’s aware that it’s way too soon to say anything or to do anything, things like that are supposed to take time, right? That’s how romantic things work? The books he reads and the movies he watches never sounded right because things happened too quickly and for him, to be real it has to take longer. The things he reads about sound insane, what even is being in love, he has no clue of how it feels like, how it’s supposed to feel. And weirdly enough, he’s way too smart to pretend that doesn’t feel like he’s in love. For what he has collected from books, falling in love is pretty similar to what’s happening. He wants to see him every day, he misses him, he panics about him leaving, he makes Changbin happy and he thinks he’s beautiful. Are the books, right? Is Changbin going insane or is he in love? 

When he feels like he’s about to scream so loudly every citizen of Korea is going to hear it, Changbin throws his body forward, towards Felix who doesn’t even flinch. He needs to be sure. He presses his lips against Felix’s, and the feeling he felt at the beach when their lips intertwined happens all over again, his heart is racing, he doesn’t know how to breathe and he feels like his soul is leaving his body. It feels so wrong and so right, it’s crushing how right it feels though, how bittersweet it is that the butterflies inside his stomach are trying to rip his skin apart. He wants to stay there forever, at that moment, the moment when everything seems to align, how the stars seem to be falling off the sky and making a whole universe at the top of their heads. Maybe falling in love is like that, like the whole universe only exists when he’s around him, like everything in his life is not as hard anymore. 

Felix holds his shirt like he’s trying to keep Changbin there. Maybe he’s scared he’s going to leave again, and so is Changbin, but Felix’s hands holding his shirt, making sure he’s not going anywhere make him feel even more like that’s where he’s supposed to be. And it does feel like that, kissing is superficial when done wrong, it’s just unnecessary, it’s only skin against skin. But it’s not like that, it’s not just skin, it’s Felix’s skin. Silky, soft and golden skin, the prettiest he has ever seen, it’s different because it’s so good it hurts. How something that sounded so superficial feels like he has been missing for years and now he’s finally been found. 

Changbin presses his hands against Felix’s thighs, and a string of weird excitement runs through his body. He doesn’t touch people like that, ever. It’s weird to touch someone so intimately, it’s weird to kiss someone. He has kissed some girls before, and it was awkward and weird because he didn’t like it. Right now is weird because he loves it. He breaks the kiss but doesn’t come back to his position he stays there, his nose glued to Felix’s, his hands on his thighs. Felix takes one of his hands out of Changbin’s shirt and touches his face, Changbin bends his head to the side accepting the soft touch on his cheek, his hands are so warm. He’s weirdly warm at the time, Changbin is always very, very cold, his face, his lips, his hands. 

“I didn’t expect that,” Felix whispers, Changbin can feel him breathing, his breath is also a little quicker, not as much as Changbin’s he looks like he just ran a marathon. He smiles fondly at him.

“Me neither,” Changbin whispers and Felix smiles even bigger. It’s funny how Changbin would give everything in the world to see that smile every single day of his life. 

“Hey, it’s getting dark,” Felix says and looks up, Changbin looks up too, staring at the sky that is getting darker and darker. Some stars already can be seen. 

“Another thing that I love about here is that you can really see the stars,” Changbin says and Felix looks at him excited. Felix lays down, his curls all fall over his eyes. Changbin does what he has been wanting to do for weeks, he touches Felix’s hair, taking the little curls away from his face. Felix closes his eyes with the touch. 

Changbin smiles at him, and then he lays down with him, their heads touch slightly even though Changbin’s body is a little distant, he feels how warm Felix is. He imagines how it must feel to cling into his body, how warm it should be. He wants to do that, but he’s not that brave. 

His lips are numb still, so is his whole face. He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s nervous or because he’s happy, or both. He looks up to the sky and stares at the stars over him, they shine just like Felix’s eyes when he looks at him sometimes, he used to know every name of the stars when he was a kid, he forgot most of them, and his head doesn’t work right around Felix, not enough for him to remember stars names. His favorite star has changed because it’s a boy. 

“Can you spot that star that it’s shining the brightest?” Changbin says trying to point at the star, Felix looks around and then nods, “It’s Sirius A, it’s the brightest star that we can see at the earth,” Felix nods.

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Felix says, he sounds impressed, maybe knowing some stars is not a nerd thing anymore, “Do you know why that’s called that?” 

“I do,” Changbin says, Felix hums happily, Changbin smiles, “It means glowing in greek,” He says, he sounds like he’s bragging. Which he is, for the first time, normally he feels embarrassed about being such a nerd.

“That makes a lot of sense,” Felix says, “I like the stars so much, for me they are the prettiest” Changbin looks to the side paying attention to him, “I like that they represent a little bit of the infinity we have over our heads, and to us, it feels like it ends,” 

“We like to think that everything ends somewhere because we want to see everything,” Changbin says, “It’s funny though, that the thing that really ends is our existence. Everything is so infinite but us, and thinking that things end makes us feel less mediocre,” 

“Do you feel mediocre?” Felix asks, “Because I certainly feel like I am,” 

“Every single day, when I think about the universe I have this feeling, this bad feeling that makes me feel like I’m literally nothing,” Changbin takes a deep breath, he’s talking faster, he gets way too hyped talking about the way he sees things, “We’re so small, our impacts are so small, everything we do is going to be forgotten, sometimes it sounds so pointless to keep running and trying because we don’t get a lot,” 

“Are you afraid of being forgotten?” Felix asks, and Changbin signs. He’s afraid of a lot of things, most of them involving things that are out of his control, such as being forgotten or being alone, those fears come in a package. He’s terrified of being alone, to have so little of an impact in people’s lives that they forget him even before he’s gone; He has been through a lot of moments when his loneliness felt so intense that life seemed pointless, who am I if I’m alone? He thinks about that way too much. He’s afraid to die from being lonely, die from the heartbreak of feeling like he has no one but himself.

“Yes,” Changbin whispers, “I’m terrified of being forgotten, maybe because I want to be so important and unique, that I can’t take the fact that I might end up being mediocre,” He sighs, it just hurts so much, mediocrity. 

“Changbin,” Felix calls and Changbin looks at him, Felix turns his head too, looking eyes with his, “Even if you end up being quote on quote mediocre, I promise I’ll never forget you,” Changbin smiles, he smiles so brightly that it feels weird, those words mean to him more than he expected. Knowing that at least someone in the world is never going to forget him gives him some kind of relief, something that warms his heart, and makes him feel lighter. 

“Felix,” He whispers and gets his face a little closer to Felix’s, “I promise I’ll never forget you too,” He knows he’s not saying it without meaning it, it’s crazy how certain he is about never forgetting Felix. It's crazy how he knows that he will remember every word he said, every expression he made, every single feeling he felt when he was around him. He doesn’t know if that is going to haunt him or just live harmoniously with him, yet he knows it will be there. 

His heart is filled with something that he can’t recognize yet, it’s filled with this good yet helpless thing that makes him confused. It’s a feeling that he is enjoying, it’s good, it’s warm, but it hurts. He doesn’t know what to do, it’s despair, he’s scared inside, his heart hurts so much, and he thinks about so many things. He thinks about the fact that he wants to be close to Felix, he thinks about liking his presence so much that if he could spend his all-time with him it would be okay, he thinks about that fact that Felix is going to leave and that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do when this happens, he doesn’t know how he’s going to keep living without him. That his smile and happiness will be gone with him, that everything will be gone, except for his feelings. He wants the feelings to stay but he’s begging for the feelings to be gone where he leaves. Because he has no clue what to do with those feelings without seeing Felix’s face and touching his golden skin. 

I think I like you a lot. Changbin wants to say that, Changbin wants to beg him to stay in Busan with him, Changbin wants to beg for him to like him too. He wants to cry so hard that he has to bite his lips, maybe after Felix leaves, the memories might haunt him. What if he never likes someone like that again? What if he never finds Felix again? He can’t stop thinking about the what if’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kisses, rainy!

**Author's Note:**

> love yall!
> 
> rainy <3


End file.
